Prison Talk and Lies

I have sat here staring at these dingy white walls in this big ass depressing house for nearly three and a half years now. Three and a half years and never once has this house felt like a home. But, this is really the longest I have ever sat down in one place. If it wasn't for meeting baby I know I would have jumped and ran a long time ago. They say everything happens for a reason. I believe the only reason life's paths brought me here to Little Rock, Arkansas is so that I could be with him. So yesterday I started to tell you about one chapter of my life. One that disappeared into my past, locked in a box and buried deep within my mind.  Let me fast forward to another chapter.... How the hell I ended up in Little Rock..... So far away from Miami, so far from my dreams. I often wonder where I would be now if at the time I hit a crossroads, a fork in the road, I would have chose another path. It was Miami, to chase my dreams.... Or.... Follow a different kind of dream... Love. I had fell in love with words. The words packed with lies, false hopes, a future based on a fiction story. A love that was only real in my mind. Days and weeks and months on end we wrote back and forth. Him, locked behind prison bars and living his own dream through me. Knowing it was only his way of making it through those long, lonely, empty nights. But to me as I wrote for hours on end, day after day, night after night, page after page after page I poured my heart out. I let all my gaurds down and I let his words, as I read them or heard them, serinate me. Carry me away to a place to escape from every reality, I literely was living in a dream world, creating a whole new me. Jaydi Alex became me. My newly created state of mind... Dedication... A step into a whole new world I knew nothing about. But was going to dive into head first. Those prison letters brought me hope. Something to look forward to. Someone mentoring me, encouraging me to work my ass off and better myself. To become somebody. Make a name for myself, so when he got out from behind those bars, together we would would make magic. Conquer the world. But, that dream, just like the dream it created, crashed when prison boy walked right out of my life like I never even existed. I was there before he left and I was there throughout only to be left in the same manner I left him, I guess I kind of deserved it. So yeah, Here I am. Little Rock, Arkansas. Left and alone. White girl in the hood, by herself, two daughters, doing tattoos to survive. The hood loved me. Sucked me in and I been stuck since. Now, notice I said the hood loved me, not, I loved the hood. Its nothing wrong with it, if its for you. But me? This just ain't where I am supposed to be. Well.... Now you know why I moved to Little Rock, now to learn how the journey evolved.