Prison Talk and Lies

I have sat here staring at these dingy white walls in this big ass depressing house for nearly three and a half years now. Three and a half years and never once has this house felt like a home. But, this is really the longest I have ever sat down in one place. If it wasn't for meeting baby I know I would have jumped and ran a long time ago. They say everything happens for a reason. I believe the only reason life's paths brought me here to Little Rock, Arkansas is so that I could be with him. So yesterday I started to tell you about one chapter of my life. One that disappeared into my past, locked in a box and buried deep within my mind.  Let me fast forward to another chapter.... How the hell I ended up in Little Rock..... So far away from Miami, so far from my dreams. I often wonder where I would be now if at the time I hit a crossroads, a fork in the road, I would have chose another path. It was Miami, to chase my dreams.... Or.... Follow a different kind of dream... Love. I had fell in love with words. The words packed with lies, false hopes, a future based on a fiction story. A love that was only real in my mind. Days and weeks and months on end we wrote back and forth. Him, locked behind prison bars and living his own dream through me. Knowing it was only his way of making it through those long, lonely, empty nights. But to me as I wrote for hours on end, day after day, night after night, page after page after page I poured my heart out. I let all my gaurds down and I let his words, as I read them or heard them, serinate me. Carry me away to a place to escape from every reality, I literely was living in a dream world, creating a whole new me. Jaydi Alex became me. My newly created state of mind... Dedication... A step into a whole new world I knew nothing about. But was going to dive into head first. Those prison letters brought me hope. Something to look forward to. Someone mentoring me, encouraging me to work my ass off and better myself. To become somebody. Make a name for myself, so when he got out from behind those bars, together we would would make magic. Conquer the world. But, that dream, just like the dream it created, crashed when prison boy walked right out of my life like I never even existed. I was there before he left and I was there throughout only to be left in the same manner I left him, I guess I kind of deserved it. So yeah, Here I am. Little Rock, Arkansas. Left and alone. White girl in the hood, by herself, two daughters, doing tattoos to survive. The hood loved me. Sucked me in and I been stuck since. Now, notice I said the hood loved me, not, I loved the hood. Its nothing wrong with it, if its for you. But me? This just ain't where I am supposed to be. Well.... Now you know why I moved to Little Rock, now to learn how the journey evolved.

Letters From A Soldier

We all have that first love that just didn't work no matter how hard you try... That young love where the world is still filled with the idea that this first love was going to last forever and be nothing but a fairy tale and instead it turns to tears and falls apart and it crushes you so bad but you eventually grow up. You grow up and learn to let go. Learn that life goes on and your going to keep on living and trying to make it in a great big world all by yourself. Life doesn't wait on you. Wow... And guess what.. I made a lot of fucked up choices in my life after all that happened but oh well. If I didn't then I wouldn't have nothing to write about now would I? 

Ok, yeah, that was a little bit of  ranting but anyways...... Once upon a time.... Back in 2000, i was like 20 and for some dumb reason.... I couldn't tell you why now.... I wanted to piss my Grandma off so I did the worst possible thing I could imagine at the time and joined the carnival. Lord knows i didn't last but a couple days but in those couple days I met Lief. He wasn't cute to me at all... At that time.... He grew on me tho because he had the kindest sweetest heart I had really ever met at the time.... But, we didn't have no where to go... I had just got out the Air Force earlier that year, mind you I was only in for a month. The longest month of my life but that's a whole other story.  So I decided to go see my Mom and her horrible no good husband of the time and try to patch up a relationship. I don't think I spoke to them in a couple years before that. But, I decided to suck up my hatred and talk to them because I knew his mother had just passed and she left behind this little bitty shit hole of a house and we needed somewhere to stay. That house was made for short people I swear cuz the ceilings where so low in some places I actually had to duck to walk through. It was bad. The house was nasty but it was all we could do at the time. We cleaned it up and made the best of it. We were young and in love so we were happy. So happy in fact, we decided we wanted a baby and we weren't gonna give up til we got one.  Well that's when we got pregnant with Sariah. We moved to a little town a down the road in Iowa, got an apartment an got in some pretty big fights. His older brother stayed with us for a while... Drank like a fish.... I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing....but in June we had the baby.

Four months later we got married at the encouragement of his Mormon Father and Step-Mother. We moved  into a farm house and a  few weeks later I just knew I was pregnant again. Leif's temper was something I really couldn't deal with through that time. Every time I had to wake him up I would have to hear all the most volgar names He could find. But he did love his family... I think. To be honest who really knew what love was really like back then.... True or fiction? I don't  know. But a few months later he was gone. Off to the Army.... Now wasn't that a journey..... A huge path I was about to walk down. A big part of me learning about life and a peace of my life just like others.... That seems like it all never really happened.... Like it was an old TV series I remember watching long ago.... Anyway, Like I said.... Change is something I do on a daily basis. Call me crazy..... But hey, that's me. So without further adoo... I give you.....

Letters From A Soldier...

Jaydi Alex.... Welcome to My Story

Well here's where I begin. There's so many different paths and windy roads I have taken in my life. Just as in anyone else's lives there's been ups and downs, highs and lows, bridges both crossed and burned and here is where I share my stories with you. Maybe, just maybe a few of you can relate as you follow me on my journey through this hard knock life.

First off, as you are completely clueless who I am let me introduce myself. Jaydi Alex, Yep that's me, well, the name I took on during a time in my life where change was something I longed for and needed which is something I do a lot of. Change.... Yes I take pride in being different than everyone else.... Which you will see as the days go by and you follow me through all the trials and tribulations in my life. So sit back and enjoy.... Love me, hate me, be it what you will... Let me know your thoughts....maybe you will tell me something that will inspire my next journey.... Or at least give me something else to ramble on about.